Heads in the clouds, feet on the ground

As the adolescent progresses, the flying-high and the settlingdown parts of him are both in evidence. He is apt to be an idealist and a philosopher. Cynical sometimes. But his cynicism on the whole is shot through with the bright threads of faith that he will do his bit in creating a new and better world.

What should be done about international policies. About minorities. About graft and politics. Legal reforms. Prostitution. How the mysteries of life and death and immortality might be solved.

His certainties in these matters may help offset his uncertainty in more practical affairs--on jobs, for instance. For it takes time to settle on the kind of work he wants to do. He is apt to change several times before he finds the vocation of his choice just as he changes also in finding the mate of his choice. We need to encourage but not push.

"I've got to get a job." . . . " I want to go to college." . . .

"How can it be managed?" . . . "Will I need to combine the two?"

As he gathers more certainty, some of his ideas will mesh with ours. Others will depart more vigorously from our ideas for him and move on their own separate way.

Says Stan's father, "We want you to continue college."

"But I don't want to, Dad. I've thought it all over. Very carefully. The two years of junior college have been fine. But I want to go to work now. I want to earn more money than I can on a part-time plan."

"Well, Stan," thoughtfully, "I won't say I'm not disappointed. I am, and your mother will be too. We'll still try to persuade you. We'll give you our views. We'll give you our reasons. And we won't try to hide what our feelings are. But whatever you finally decide, we'll stand behind you. That you know well."

"You bet I do, Dad. And I'm terribly grateful. I'd hate it if you were like Tom's folks. His mother flew into a rage, then had weeks of hysterics and now goes around moaning and groaning that Tom is killing her, breaking her heart. And his father says he'll disown him if Tom doesn't stay in school."

Ned and his father have other differences.

"I've looked forward all my life, Ned, to having you come into the store with me."

"But, Father, hardware's not my line. I've had good luck raising chickens for years, ever since that first setting hen you gave me when I was ten. I want to go into the business now on a larger scale. I talked to Mr. Brown at the bank about financing, and I've got it all set."

Here is a lawyer whose young son wants to be a musician and has what it takes. Here is an engineer whose son is interested in the grocery business and doesn't want to study to become a partner in his father's firm.

Here is a girl whose family has had high social ambitions for her, but what she wants to do is to go on with biochemical research.

Nor is it only in terms of ambition that our children may differ. Their codes and ideals may depart from ours. We may not smoke or drink. They do. We may not be churchgoers. They are. We may be sticklers for etiquette while they decide to travel the Bohemian path.

All these things, and many others like them, we can take as insults. We can consider them evidence that we, as parents, have fallen short.

"He's thrown over the very things we've labored and slaved to give him. Now he's turning us down. This proves he doesn't love us."

Quite naturally if he goes counter to our wishes and ambitions for him, we shall be disappointed. Angry, too, maybe, at least for a while.

But neither his "contrary" actions nor our unhappy feelings are at all true indications that we've failed as parents. His opposition does not at all disprove his love.

Actually, a young person may follow his parents' dictates and love them far less than he would have loved them had he broken away. His outside compliance may cover an inner revolt far greater because it is pent up.

Remember: He is an individual. As an individual he may choose to go opposite to us. Finding that he can go opposite may be his surest road to finding also that he loves us well. For love flourishes best without shackles that bind.

Differences in his way of life from our way of life do not mean that we have failed. We cannot expect him to agree always with us. Differences are only natural. When a child of ours goes on his way, whether or not this is our way does not matter. If he goes steadily, following his own thoughtful direction, holding his head high, feeling assured and confident in being himself--this is a sign that our job's been well done.