Daughter's growing old and I'm growing older

Mother," Beth asks, "do you remember my various boy friends? Larry was the first one, if you'll recall. We'd walk to school together and I thought it was swell to have a boy pay me attention. But the drip didn't even offer to carry my books.

"And then there was Arthur. We'd go to the park, sit on the bench, and gaze at the moon by the hour. He'd hold my hand. Did I get a thrill! I felt so wild and demonish and grown-up. But when I sort of hinted around for him to kiss me, he got preacherish and told me he had ideals.

"That threw me into wild-man Jack's arms. Boy, was he fast! He had that hot rod. And I had ten fits making him turn his muffler off so you and Dad wouldn't tell me I couldn't go out with such a monster. And boy, how he would try to neck. I didn't have to do any inviting. In fact, I had to fight him off, and I thought that was terrific. It made me feel so sophisticated. And as if I really rated. But when he suggested that we run off and take a freighter to South America, I called it quits.

"Then there was Marty, and Ben, and Nick and Ted . . . What a bunch! All of them nice, though, in their own ways. But none as tops as Hal. I thought each was the one. But Hal is different. Or I'm different. Maybe that's it. Anyway, I feel easy with him. Really easy. Even though I don't intend to make a practice of it, I wouldn't care if he saw me in curlers or with cream on my face. I wouldn't care if he heard me in my vilest humor. Neither of us has to be consistently on our best behavior. He takes me as me, and I take him as him. It's so much better that way."

As Beth and Hal went through their engagement period and into their marriage, their relationship deepened. They liked to work and play and be together. There was a fullness and roundness to their intimacy. It was solid and good. Theirs was a willingness to share. A mutual trust. Thoughtfulness for each other in love and in sex. A willingness too to bring differences into the open and an ability to get anger and aggravations out and over with, and to restore "the lines of closer communication," as Beth phrased it.

"They've got something sound in their marriage," Muriel, Beth's mother, mused a bit ruefully. "They're so complete with each other that I just don't count. I know I shouldn't be so eager to. But with my only chick gone, I feel . . . well, empty. On one hand I'm glad she's happy. On the other I feel lost.

"The lack reaches into Paul's life with me also. I hadn't realized how much of our time together was spent on Beth. We had become 'Father and Mother,' and had neglected being 'husband and wife'! We'd lost touch with ourselves, too, as well as with each other. I can see that we've got a lot to get back."

So they consciously set about developing new, middle-aged interests. "Togetherness" was one good, sound aim.

"We've taken to reading aloud! And we're following the exhibits at the county museum. We're going to more shows, too. And doing more entertaining, picking up with old friends and gathering new ones . . ."

And since Muriel did not have a business, as Paul did, to occupy her, she started to develop new interests of her own. With her natural bent for outgoing sociability, she went into the hospitality committee in her church, and into the thrift shop of a local charitable organization.

She did not sit around as did Rita's mother and moan dejectedly, "My daughter's growing old and I'm growing older. She'll generate while I degenerate. It's no fun!"

There's no need for any of us to degenerate.

When our boy or girl learns to be more richly himself in himself and with others, and most particularly with another person of his own generation, we too can become more richly ourselves.

Life has not passed us by because our children are no longer dependent on us. We, as well as they, have our own good life to live.

In our children's children we shall find regeneration. But to depend and lean on them to give us sustenance for ourselves --this makes us a burden instead of a help.

Just as Paul and Muriel found activities suited to their bents and interests, so have other men and women found other activities.

"There's so much to do. And so much that needs doing!"

"I'm in things up to my neck. But that's better by far than sitting around waiting for my sons and daughters to telephone to me, and feeling hurt when they don't."

Many women find their main interest remaining where it has rested for so many years.

"What I know and love best are children! They've been my whole life!"

All right. Let them remain so. Only spread out your arms. There are so many children in so many situations who need your attention and care!

Can you volunteer to work in some child-care agency? In some church group? On some board? How about forming a committee to look into what your local schools are doing about educating children's emotions as well as their minds?

It occurred to one group of women whose children were married to form a grandmother's branch of their PTA. It occurred to a second group to form a grandmother's auxiliary of a cooperative nursery school; to a third to help with school transportation.

Ask yourself:

What are my interests?

What can I do and what would I like to do so that life may remain full of healthy demands?

What have I always promised myself I'd get into, given the opportunity and the necessary time?