The difficult moments

We know, and we will reiterate, some things can't be done because of health and safety. Some things cannot be permitted because property must be protected. Some things are important because of law and order, some because of ethical considerations, moral and religious ideologies and because of social codes. And some things we cannot tolerate because they go against us and what we believe and are.

Sometimes, for reasons of our own--or our family's--we want or don't want things done. As we've seen we have a right to our own feelings too.

"No. The radio can't be on now. Dad's got the income tax to do and the music disturbs him."

"I'm not willing to tidy up after you as though you were five. You're not. If you have the privilege of pulling ginger ale bottles out of the refrigerator, you also have the responsibility of cleaning up."

However, we need also to grant our boy or girl the right to express how he honestly feels in response to such demands. And we can be very sure that he will feel mean and resentful at times. It's in the cards. If he doesn't, he isn't natural. So why not relax and expect him to grumble back at us? Then we won't have to feel so indignant when he does. Gone are the days, or so we hope, when our children are so fearful or so hypocritical that they do with amiable purrs what they hate doing.

"I know you don't like to do this. I know you resent it. You can call me names under your breath or out loud. But," turning back to what is required, "it's still got to be done."

This doesn't mean that name calling or other showings of "meanness" need to be tolerated at all times. Certainly not when Mother is due to take a cake from the oven or when guests are present. "Hold it, Ginny," says Ginny's mother brusquely. "We'll take it up later after Grandmother's gone."

And this leads us into ACTION PLANNING as part of the teenager's life. What to DO when flurries and scurries arise? And WHAT NOT TO DO? Both need definition.

Make it clear, as we have already indicated, that when hostile feelings arise certain things can be done and certain things cannot be done about them.

"You can paint it out. Play it out. Dance it out. Moan it out. Talk it out. But no pummeling. No kicking the door like a four-year-old. No running away to make me sorry. No shouting of swear words out in the yard where the whole neighborhood can hear."

These are policies concerning actions in general. There can also be action planning to cover certain types of situations that repeatedly arise.

Betsy and Joe are continuously at each other and now once more Betsy is shrieking in a voice that can be heard down several city blocks, not alone in the apartments on either side and above and below. "You cur. You touched my uke. I can tell you touched it. You fat-headed pig."

"Stop it, Betsy," Father growls. "Stop shouting and stop it right now. I've told you one million times that even if you don't, I do care what the neighbors think."

But Betsy goes merrily on.

Father menacingly rolls up his paper while Betsy, cringing down in her chair, bursts into loud sobs and glowers at Joe, who gloats with triumph.

And just at this moment Mother walks in.

"Hold everything," Mother commands. Her voice is fresh with inspiration. She has just heard a talk and the Word is in her: "Feelings come first."

Since Betsy obviously is the most bothered, she starts with her. "You're furious at Joe, aren't you, Betsy?"

Betsy's jaw drops. This is new business. She gulps and she nods, suddenly quiet. (Her feelings have been taken into account.)

"And you're mad at Betsy, Jim, I know, for making so much noise." Mother goes over and kisses Father and gives him a little reassuring pat. "And as for you, Joe," turning to Brother, "you look happy as a fox. Triumphant, I'd call it, and sort of wicked. I'll bet you're glad you started the hubbub."

All three stare dumfounded. This is quite different from Mother's usual hair-tearing act.

Mother turns again to Betsy. Yes, she observes, Betsy is still the most upset. "Here, Betsy," she says aloud, reaching into the desk for pencil and paper, "I'll tell you what. When people get mad, they want to do mean things. Here, draw a picture, just a quick sketch of what you'd like to do to Joe." (Mother is suggesting an action pathway along which Betsy may let her feelings come out.)

Something sure and consenting in Mother's tone opens the gateway and Betsy draws swiftly: a sketch of herself with a gun, shooting her brother.

"I know," nods Mother, "you'd like to shoot him. Daddy really knows too. Sometimes he'd like to do the same thing to me."

"Why, Edith!" gasps Father. "Have you gone crazy?"

"No, dear, not quite!" And Mother explains what it's all about. "And now, for a little action planning. Next time, Betsy, when you feel mean to Joe, draw out how you feel. Don't yell it out. The yelling only makes your father mad and makes things worse for you." (Some action channels are better than others.)

"And as for you, Joe, when you get annoyed with Betsy as I know you frequently do, what will you plan to do?"

"Kick her in the shins!"

"No soap." (Limiting the actions.)

"Pull her ears."

"No go, either. Why not try a limerick of what you'd like to do to her?" (This action pathway is okay.)

"Aw shucks, Mother, that's no fun."

However, after dinner at the usual high peak of the evening bickers, all is curiously still. Then Betsy appears with another picture, and beside her is Joe. Quickly he thrusts his paper under Mother's nose. On it she reads:

There was a young silly from Sioux Who was stinky as any old shoe. When she opened her trap She did nothing but yap. I'd like to plaster her mouth shut with glue.
"Nice business," mutters Father.

But an hour later, he comes from the study and smiles broadly at Mother. "By golly, it works. They've got the radio on together in mutual agreement for the first time in their lives."

So far we've dealt mostly with the handling of hostile feelings--one of the roots of trouble in adolescence. Later in the book we shall focus on matters of sex. Suffice it to say here that these too need to be talked through in terms of how feelings can legitimately be handled, taking into consideration the individual's development, circumstances, ideals and time of life. *

What to do, too, about the dozen and one specific things, sex-tinged, that come up in adolescence? And what not to do? Always, however, allowing outlets for the feelings of resentment that are bound to happen when restrictions must be met. About Judy's neckline, for instance, on the black velvet bodice.

"You look beautiful, Judy, with that off-shoulder business!" from Father. "But," with a skeptical raising of brows, "isn't it too low in front?"

"But Dad, I look nice, don't I?"

"Yes, dear, terrific. In fact, too bewitching."

"You mean you won't let me wear it?"

"You want to, I know." (Acknowledging feelings.)

"Yes, Dad, I sure do. It's natural, isn't it, to like being attractive?" Judy's voice rose into shrillness.

"Quite natural. And it's natural too, Judy, to get angry when you feel someone's stymieing you."

"Oh, darn! You old dodo. You're sixty years behind the times." And Judy raved on.

Father listened, knowing that all children think their parents old-fashioned and that they need to get these feelings off their chests.

Finally Judy stopped belaboring her father and with hands on hips, glaring at him, asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

(With those feelings out, thought Father, we're more ready to meet the situation.) "How about it?" He looked Judy over once more. "Why not get Mother to put some hems around the neck somewhere to raise it just enough?"

"Oh, Daddy, you old nut. Darts, you mean!" And Judy spun around, laughing, and with a swift peck on the top of Father's head she threw out a parting, good-natured jibe. "Okay, old man, have it your way."

With your particular youngster, you will feel some things important to insist on and some things not.

At certain moments, too, it will be wiser not to insist on the very same things you have insisted on at other moments. The adamant, consistent rule of once-for-all-time is not the order of the day. It's better to consider the time, his time, your time right now.

Every so often you may still feel a need to fall back on longused punishments such as reduction of privileges following shirking of responsibilities. But you will find that such measures become much less necessary after you have given, and continue to give, plenty of opportunity to let the troublesome feelings come out more directly.

Two other things will also make a great difference in reducing the difficult moments.

If a teenager has enough really good and vital emotional satisfactions, he won't as often become as troubled or as troublesome. When his emotional needs and hungers and drives are properly fulfilled, then his problems do actually diminish. We shall, therefore, want to check and see that he does achieve the satisfactions he is after in so far as the strivings that drive him are compatible with the circumstances in which he lives and with his ideals for himself and ours for him.

That's one thing. The other is this:

If we guard against too many demands and curbings, he will comply more readily with those which we do impose. It helps a lot to cut down on the requests that are relatively unimportant. For all of us know that a heap of curtailments and expectations that seem unjustified cause resentment to rise at any age. They bring rebellion in their wake and make control more difficult.

Putting these two over-all principles more concisely: We will keep in mind steadfastly that EMOTIONAL SATISFACTIONS NEED TO BE STEPPED UP AS MUCH AS IS POSSIBLE and that DEMANDS AND FORBIDDINGS NEED TO BE STEPPED DOWN AS MUCH AS IS PRACTICAL.

Nor will we forget that our children will be far more reasonable about our reasonable requests if we show them that we can, at least sometimes, accept their feelings whether or not these seem reasonable to us at all times.